Wise Words From HR: Company Holiday Parties
I've been to a lot of company Christmas parties in my life time. I understand the do's and don'ts of this glorious eye opening experience. Company parties are the type of functions that let an employer know if they've made the right hire or not. Most people don't know that they're under a microscope until Monday morning, when everyone is looking at them with either the "shes a heaux face" or the "i didn't know he/she was like that" face. Don't be that person. Ive seen secretaries get fired and cleaning guys almost get trunked because of obscene behavior. If you haven't had your company party yet, have no fear, I'm here to help you. If you've already had one, I'll just pray for you.
1. Limit yourself to 2-3 drinks before the dinner. No shots! Anything after 3 drinks your on the verge of either throwing up 2hrs in, or accidentally touching a booty and not caring. You don't want to be known as the office creep.
2. Choose the people you want to invite carefully. Remember they are a reflection of you. If your friend is a perverted alcoholic, then guess what? You are too for 365 days.
3. Leave the drugs in the car. More than likely, someone that you work with is either high or waiting to get high, so use that as a bonding experience. Everyone becomes cooler once you realize they do drugs too. Don't bust out saying you ready to get blowed. Keep it organic..
4. If you have a girlfriend or boyfriend, don't bring them. Don't. Unless you guys are married. This is your prime opportunity to get that box or peen you've been waiting all year for. She comes in her best casual party outfit and you come with "her" or vice versa. With co-workers, you only have a few chances. This is one of them, don't ruin it. Or so I've heard.
5. If a plan to go out somewhere else afterwards pops up, go for it. This is especially for people who are on the cusp of being the office weirdo. These conversations are more candid and revealing. You might even catch a office rumor or something. Plus, more than likely everyone who's going out is 93% drunk. Beat them to the 96% mark and you're in for 365 days.
Just a few ways to keep your job, as well as increase your popularity around the cubicles.
Here's a couple of people who didn't heed to this advice.....
Lisa- Started drinking at 4pm. Party started at 5, she was drunk by 4:49. By 8:30 she was calling all the women b**ches and eating a chicken bone like it was a peen. Not to mention throwing chicken thighs against the wall. No.... I'm not lying.
Marvin - The cleaning guy. Marvin came in the party drunk..... said the wrong thing to the wrong Italian and consequently got choked up and damn near trunked, while his lady, who by the way looked like an extra off New Jack City left early because she pre-saw it coming.
I don't have all the answers, but I've heard all the questions... I'm only here to help.
Get drunk, don't lose your job and tackle that co-worker you've been plotting on.
-HR-
Close the door, unfortunately I've got some pink slips to hand out.
BTW:
BLAH, RATED E, NARCOTICS Holiday party Dec 29th @9pm at The Pines 712 w Harrison St, Forrest Park.
$10 cover, $5 drink specials
LMS
I DON'T
(c'mon son)
You're good!!!
"Where you are in life right now is where you're suppose to be, right now"~Me
First off, I would like to address Facebook's ability to successfully build and/or crush a person's self-esteem by simply a click of a button. That damn "Like" button (when selected) can create a euphoric feeling by making your existence relevant. (Confession: I was once a victim)
OK, Here We Go...
I can bet you any amount of money and I don't even gamble *pulls out scratch off* that your status quo is not where you would like it to be...Unless you are born into that 1%. Speaking of ONE, I know ONE thing, y'all keep digging the BLAH movement like you are, I'm going to be in that 1% real soon. Anyway, apparently society has determined that your "status" is partly defined by your ability to purchase things. *TIME OUT* Notice I said purchase and not buy (read it again, I'll wait).There is a difference between "purchasing" something and "buying" something. See, if you were a part of that 1% you would of known that. Look at the 99 percenter's talking about "Ain't no difference, they mean the same thing." Wrong!!! Wealthy has its own language. You can "buy" a piece of gum, but you have to "purchase" an island (I made that up, but it sounds good...Made you think though, lol). Back to my point...A person's competitive nature can cause them to be harder on themselves then on anyone else. You compare and compete with what others have and create a self conscious doubt followed by contentment (in most). In fact, 98 of the 99 percent all have the thought of becoming a part of that original 1% but do not act on it. What IS acted upon is what is needed in order get by, the cruise control lifestyle. Which is ok!? Your status is determined by your mind set. If you go in believing that there are only three things that are needed in order to survive and if you have these: 1) Food 2) Shelter and 3) Porn...Just kidding 3) Clothes then everything else is a bonus. Unfortunately, just like anything else your bonus is determined on the amount of work you put in. Let your mind control your status and not the other way around. The moral of the story is somebody has to empty the trash, is it you? MY NAME IS PERRY AND I APPROVE THIS MESSAGE. #CommentsWelcomed #ThinkRich
Wise Words From HR: Office Visits
I consider my entire twitter timeline my office. So, at some point all 268,000 of my followers have stepped into my office discussing things I felt the need to share with the rest of you. Its not my job to explain the meaning of these phrases to you, rather, its your job to correctly apply them to your lives.
Welcome and close the door.
Ok, I don't have 268,000 followers, but its enough to get my point across.
1. Make her father seem like a failure - Uncle Ron
2. Thinking you lost your phone the best way to get rid of a hangover - Nerd
3. Ain't nothing worse than being fat and lonely at the same time - Anastasia
4. Ladies need to be ladies. It has to hurt that no one wants to impregnate you. Stop changing your own brakes. - Jesus
5. Some of y'all single by choice, some of y'all single because you remind ni**as of they uncles. - Aristotle
6. Find your Ex tonight. They'll be out somewhere. Make it awkward. - Uncle Ron
7. Shit better make me bite my finger off - Peejay
8. Girls don't want the truth, they just want an explanation they can believe - FabV
9. Contrary to popular belief , an opinion can be dumb - J_Bachelor
10. Someone else's success has nothing to do with your failure. Keep working - Wayno
Thank you for stopping in, remember to close the door. I got to finish payroll
-HR-
Losing Wait
"We exercise our rights to be patient expecting instant results."~ Me
Patience is the "fat cells" to our emotional structure...Please do not ask me where this stuff comes from, just accept it.
WATCH THIS...
"Its" main purpose is to function as the primary reserves of energy for the body to draw upon, especially over extended time periods. I swear I didn't make that up....Maybe the comparison, but not the other part. Crazy, right? Don't thank me, thank God for that revelation. *high fives Jesus*
(I'm trying to tell you that there is a purpose for passion, find yours.)
Anywho, now that we know that we need SOME fat to survive, how do we acquire it and how does it relate to patience? Some of you "hefty" mofos should "ace" this part of the quiz....You acquire it by over indulging. Indulging in things that seem good, but are not all the time good for you. (i.e candy, chips, your mate, friends, kids, etc.). I swear I'm on to something, I don't know what it is just yet, but somehow it will tie in together (you don't believe me just watch). When your body absorbs these forms of fat, it turns them into Triglycerides or SUGARS and stores them for later use. No this is not a lesson in anatomy PER SE, but on the flip side of that others often think "shit is SWEET" and play on your patience. Therefore making you exhaust more energy then you have patience stored. So what happens is when your energy exceeds your fat...You begin to lose weight. (Damn, that boy good!!!) When things begin to challenge your patience, there is only so much energy that can transpire before you begin to metaphorically "lose wait" or lose the ability to withstand. We as people are only allotted so much patience before we snap. Allow yourself a chance to create a patience's exercise regiment that will allow you to become mentally fit. There is no way to stop things from weighing on your patience, just understand how much FACT you need to store up. The moral of the story is be bulimic to the bullshit and throw that shit up, you will become healthier. MY NAME IS PERRY AND I APPROVE THIS MESSAGE. #CommentsWelcomed
Urinal Cake: George Zimmerman
Sorry I’m late, but I work. So… yeah…. I work. Anyway, I know you’re not here to listen to me rant about corporate sabotage, and sh!t that you cant apply while your drinking that good oil. Well… Drink to this one.
Remember George Zimmerman?
Check this out …..
George Zimmerman
sued NBC on Thursday, claiming he was defamed when the network edited his 911 call to police after the shooting of Trayvon Martin to make it sound like he was racist.
The former neighborhood watch volunteer filed the lawsuit seeking an undisclosed amount of money in Seminole County , outside Orlando
The complaint said the airing of the edited call has inflicted emotional distress on Zimmerman, making him fear for his life and causing him to suffer nausea, insomnia and anxiety.
The lawsuit claims NBC edited his phone call to a dispatcher in February. In the call, Zimmerman describes following Martin in the gated community where he lived, just moments before he fatally shot the 17-year-old teen during a confrontation.
"NBC saw the death of Trayvon Martin not as a tragedy but as an opportunity to increase ratings, and so set about to create a myth that George Zimmerman was a racist and predatory villain," the lawsuit claims.
NBC spokeswoman Kathy Kelly-Brown said the network strongly disagreed with the accusations made in the complaint.
"There was no intent to portray Mr. Zimmerman unfairly," she said. "We intend to vigorously defend our position in court."
Three employees of the network or its Miami
Zimmerman is charged with second-degree murder but has pleaded not guilty, claiming self-defense under Florida
The call viewers heard was trimmed to suggest that Zimmerman volunteered to police, with no prompting, that Martin was black: "This guy looks like he's up to no good. He looks black."
But the portion of the tape that was deleted had the 911 dispatcher asking Zimmerman if the person who had raised his suspicion was "black, white or Hispanic," to which Zimmerman responded, "He looks black."
I really don’t have too much to say about this guy at this moment. Some loser a$$, no woman having, probable virgin has the audacity to say NBC was, and, is the reason he is suffering from anxiety, insomnia, and nausea. FOH bruh bruh. You killed a kid that had skittles and an Arizona
EVERYBODY GIVE THIS GUY A HUGE FLUSH!
“But Hey, What do I know?”
*splits white owl*
BTW: keep December 29th open… we’re having a party that you’re invited to.. details soon.
ZeeDaay
