BLAH BLAH B.L.A.H.

I've been to a lot of company Christmas parties in my life time. I understand the do's and don'ts of this glorious eye opening experience. Company parties are the type of functions that let an employer know if they've made the right hire or not. Most people don't know that they're under a microscope until Monday morning, when everyone is looking at them with either the "shes a heaux face" or the "i didn't know he/she was like that" face. Don't be that person. Ive seen secretaries get fired and cleaning guys almost get trunked because of obscene behavior. If you haven't had your company party yet, have no fear, I'm here to help you. If you've already had one, I'll just pray for you.

1. Limit yourself to 2-3 drinks before the dinner. No shots! Anything after 3 drinks your on the verge of either throwing up 2hrs in, or accidentally touching a booty and not caring. You don't want to be known as the office creep. 

2. Choose the people you want to invite carefully. Remember they are a reflection of you. If your friend is a perverted alcoholic, then guess what? You are too for 365 days. 

3. Leave the drugs in the car. More than likely, someone that you work with is either high or waiting to get high, so use that as a bonding experience. Everyone becomes cooler once you realize they do drugs too. Don't bust out saying you ready to get blowed. Keep it organic.. 

4. If you have a girlfriend or boyfriend, don't bring them. Don't. Unless you guys are married. This is your prime opportunity to get that box or peen you've been waiting all year for. She comes in her best casual party outfit and you come with "her" or vice versa. With co-workers, you only have a few chances. This is one of them, don't ruin it. Or so I've heard.

5. If a plan to go out somewhere else afterwards pops up, go for it. This is especially for people who are on the cusp of being the office weirdo. These conversations are more candid and revealing. You might even catch a office rumor or something. Plus, more than likely everyone who's going out is 93% drunk. Beat them to the 96% mark and you're in for 365 days. 

Just a few ways to keep your job, as well as increase your popularity around the cubicles.

Here's a couple of people who didn't heed to this advice.....

Lisa- Started drinking at 4pm. Party started at 5, she was drunk by 4:49. By 8:30 she was calling all the women b**ches and eating a chicken bone like it was a peen. Not to mention throwing chicken thighs against the wall. No.... I'm not lying. 

Marvin - The cleaning guy. Marvin came in the party drunk..... said the wrong thing to the wrong Italian and consequently got choked up and damn near trunked, while his lady, who by the way looked like an extra off New Jack City left early because she pre-saw it coming. 

I don't have all the answers, but I've heard all the questions... I'm only here to help.

Get drunk, don't lose your job and tackle that co-worker you've been plotting on. 

-HR-

Close the door, unfortunately I've got some pink slips to hand out. 

BTW: 

BLAH, RATED E, NARCOTICS Holiday party Dec 29th @9pm at The Pines 712 w Harrison St, Forrest Park.

$10 cover, $5 drink specials