Urinal Cake: Virgins Wanted

Ladies if your box was a food, what would it be? If it was an amusement park, which one would it be? (Be careful with that one. Nobody wants a Six Flags box) If you were to auction off the box, what would be the highest bid? Don’t know? It’s ok, think about it this weekend and get back with HR on Monday.



Apparently, someone’s pure, untouched pleasure section is worth a whopping $780,000.



 By losing something, Catarina Migliorini could gain $780,000.
The 20-year-old Brazilian woman has been auctioning off her virginity online for the past few weeks and a man from Japan known as "Natsu" came out on top with the winning bid.

Natsu beat out five other bidders after a feverish final day where the price of Migliorini's virtue jumped from $190,000 on Oct. 23 to the final $780,000 price tag.

The news wasn't so good for her male counterpart, Alex Stepanov, whose virginity only racked up $3,000 from a woman in Brazil named "Nene B."

Although Migliorini, a physical education student, has claimed to media that she planned to donate as much as 90 percent of the auction price to charities that will build homes in the Brazilian state of Santa Catarina, even auction organizer Justin Sisely, who devised the plan for a proposed documentary, was skeptical.

"I was surprised she said that because in all my dealings with her, she made it clear that it was a business decision for her," Australian filmmaker Justin Sisely told The Huffington Post recently. "Now, given how big this story is in Brazil, she's trapped. If she doesn't give any money to charity, she's going to look bad."



Now, this urinal cake does NOT go to Catarina, I’d be mighty proud if my pleasure pole went for $780,000 just so a woman can put the 1st mile on the odometer. It goes to Natsu. SON, if you have nearly 800k to spend on some virginated box I’m sure there are heauxs out there in Japan that will “GO” for some Saki and a loose square. If women are the same here as they are there, the simple mention of money will get them to buss you down with they momma. You’ve got to be one lonely ass SOB to actually execute idea of spending that much cash on a “shot”. Just me, but, what if the box aint fye? What if she don’t give head? Pay 800k for sex with no head? What IF its worth the money? Would you pay again? Can I take a load off in there? How freaky can we get? What if she likes it? Can I get a partial refund or discount? Like I said before, I DON’T WANT BOX THAT POWERFUL! I’ve seen friends wither away because of perfect shots. Hell, I’ve been subject to great shots that left me leaning like Everclear straight. What if his joint is not to your liking soon as he drops the drawls? Do you proceed or do you have standards?

Soooooooooo many questions I’d like to ask these two future swingers. Until then ……….

Everybody give Natsu a HUGE flush….





I need to get in touch with my dude after he does this. Im really curious to hoe..oops.. How this will turn out.


“But Hey, What Do I Know?”
*Splits White Owl*

-ZeeDaay-

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Urinal Cake: Stealing candy from a baby

I don’t know if this is a sign or what, but I've been completely disappointed in the usage of the female boob over the last week or two. Hey, freedom of choice I assume. Ladies, You're entitled to do whatever you want to do with those fun bags. Dress em up, oil em down, make em stick out, cover em up, whatever your heart desires. But wasting a perfectly good boob is not cool at all, matter of fact its asinine. Take a boob out of my mouth to feed a child is… OK, I guess. I’ll have my private time later. But taking a boob away from a child to feed a dog is outright criminal.


Terri Graham, a mother of two, couldn't breastfeed her children. But, she's now fulfilling her maternal desire in an unorthodox way -- by breastfeeding her 9-year-old daughter's dog, a pug named Spider.

In an interview published in the Oct. 20 U.K. edition of Closer magazine, Graham, 44, said that she knows some people might consider her a "freak," but insisted that her breastfeeding nourishes the dog, and makes her feel like a better mom.

"Having Spider suckle on my boob means I finally feel complete and a better mother," Graham told Closer.

Graham, who is from California, claimed that the dog developed a taste for breast milk in 2010 after licking the nipple of a bottle she had pumped for her then-newborn son. She says she has breastfed the dog for about 2 years.


F**k you meeeeeean you couldn’t breast feed your children?? F**k was you dooooooing??

The crazy part of this besides the whole story is that she says she felt more like a complete mother. Really?... no… really?? You a heaux for that. No way around it madam. I wish her kids where like the “look who’s talking” kids. (my 80’s babies remember that movie) I would die to hear Roseanne commenting on the lack of human nipples she’s received because the family dog “Spider”. I bet this chick would juice my granddad if she had the right opportunity. I'm actually worried for her health. I'm sure somehow someway she can get cancer doing sh!t like this. She doesn’t deserve to have those twins of joy.

New rule; Breast feed an animal, instant boob removal.


When I read this I cried a real tear. Denzel “Glory” style.





Everybody give this woman a GIANT HUGE FLUSH!



But hey, what do I know?
*splits white owl*


-ZeeDaay

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Human Resource Dept: Orientation

*Sips coffee*
 
Morning all.
Just a couple things on my mind I felt garnished some attention. Might help you, might not. Either way I really dont care.
 
I dont mean that. Im sorry. 
 
 
 
 
"you are no better than the person in front of you, and the person in front of you, is no better than you"

There are people out here in this world who wish nothing more than to blow out your candle just to make theirs shine brighter. Accept it, live with it. For every 1 person that likes you there are 5 who dont. The thing is, realize what makes YOU and the people around you happy. That doesnt mean you need to settle or conform to anything, because once you do that,  youve lost what it means to be YOU. Dont judge people on what they have, judge them on their character. There are plenty of miserable humans that use materilistic means as a way of finding exceptance amongst others. F**k them. They dont know their grandparents.


 
"Be Great"

This is simple. Find what's important to you and dont stop trying to be better at it. Most of us find our niche later in life while the childhood ambition that fueled us before runs low. Reasons being, not only do you have to tackle the outside world but also focus on what your dreams are. Nobody made it anywhere without struggle. Yall tend to pay attention to what people have NOW and COMPLETELY gloss over the fact it took them 8 years to get to that Level 6 "Great".
 
 
 
 
 
"Smoke the whole blunt. Don't put it out till later n***a"

Im sayin, just think about it. Why hold on to things that are easily replaceable? If I saw you put the L out until tomorrow I would automatocally think
 
 "this n***a be bullsh*ttin. Bet he got a cancelation notice on the way to his house"
 
yea, you're a procrastinator trust me, I know, I'm a procrastinator myself. Smoke that shit now! Who knows if tomorrow is even in our future? In fact, if it is, you can pawn that 2k12, find some loose change, borrow a dollar and get another dirty nickel. Problem solved. Don't worry about Tuesday on a Monday. Take care of things that will make u great today!


 

"If, ifs & ands where pots and pans, there'd be no need for skillets"

Now..... this is from my pops again, and to tell the truth, I never completely knew what the f**k he was talmbout. Only thing I knew was Everytime I had an excuse he'd say that sh*t. Now I say it to white folks and walk off like Bernie Mac.


 

"A key that can open any lock is a master key. A lock that opens with any key is useless"

This should settle a couple "why can men do it and we can't?" Questions for a while.
Fellas, thank me later.


That's it.... Close the door behind you. I need to finish payroll.

-HR

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Lunch Meat (Explicit)

Psst..Did you bring a lunch today, cause you can get this meat?

"If you have to whisper then its wrong"~me

I could of sworn that there was an unwritten rule about dating Co workers, maybe I'm wrong. Hell, maybe I'm wrong about a lot of shit, but sometimes my Paynus sensors go ham when it comes to certain situations (hahaha, excuse me, I'm sorry but paynus and ham in the same sentence is funny to me). Anyway, for some reason It seems like everything about work place relationships are wrong and not just for the obvious reasons either. You know, the "obvious" reasons. Please do not act "brand new" to the Naughty Office couples; the ones who take those bathroom dip offs breaks, lunch break quickies or partake in the occasional favouritism that everybody notices accept their "Wide Open Nose" ass. Let me be clear, there is nothing wrong when finding romance...rather it is with a person you will see ALL day while working, possibly car pool to and from work with, then go home together (co-habitation only). Now, if you have a tolerance level for your partner that is equivalent to an alcoholic who snorts shots of Bacardi 151 and can still manage to walk a straight line then you might be cool, but If you are a part of that 99 percentile that consider themselves normal alcoholics then you know that this is a formula for a domestic violence case. I'm going to stop here before somebody think I'm talking to them. I guess my concern is...What if "it" doesn't work out, then I have to be the bad guy and get you fired (sorry)....#Awkward....Its either me or you and I like working. The moral of the story is lunch meat is only good when you have your own "bread" MY NAME IS PERRY AND I APPROVE THIS MESSAGE. #CommentsWelcomed

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Urinal Cake: Keep Em Warm

Good afternoon ladies and gents.

Welcome back to the latest installment of Urinal Cake Friday.




I'm just going to skip all the introduction sh!t and dive right into it.





Daniel Selmon wanted to protect his plants from a fall frost so he lit a bonfire to keep them warm.
The problem for him is that the plants were allegedly marijuana and the sight of a burning fire at 3 a.m. attracted police in Aurora, Ill.

Once the cops “smoked” out Selmon, they arrested him for possession of three pot plants, Newser.com reported.

The responding cops investigating the marijuana matter learned that Selmon set the bonfires in an attempt to keep the weed warm in the cold weather, the Beacon News reported.

Officers seized the plants, which weighed about 6.5 pounds, or 2,948 grams. The street value of the marijuana was not available, according to the Chicago Sun-Times.

Selmon was charged with felony possession of cannabis and misdemeanor production of cannabis, and is currently in jail in lieu of $30,000 bail.



Between the titty milk from yesterday and this f**ktard today, you n**gas is starting to piss me off. Why would you set a bonfire? Why not stocks pile the breast milk? Why would you do it at 3am anyway? Lol, what was this guy listening to? Meek Mill “Burn” on repeat? (I laughed)  Lemme get this straight…. So, it never occurred to you that you should’ve gotten a heat lamp? Nah, f**k that. That’s too much like right, right?

Timeout (20 sec)


Often when I’m in the clouds or 5 minutes from heaven, I think of … boob meat, battle raps, light skinned women thighs, and that last bottle of water I think I left in the car. Awesome thoughts in my opinion, but yet instill you n**gas STILL manage ruin everything! Well, the titty water struggle was primarily because of a Caucasian’s lack of common sense. I’ll get over that tho, I’m not worried. Matter of fact, I’ll probably get over the f**ktard giving herbal users a bad name as soon as 5pm comes and im looking for my fix.  All I’m saying is 6.5 lbs of divine goodness is gone from this earth, and if my calculations are correct, I say dummy lost close to $60k.

Somewhere in the world a weed man just got fired.

Everybody give this guy a HUGE flush!




But Hey, What do I know?
*splits white owl smh*


          


           "ITS FRIDAY! Lets get drunk and do things we'll regret in the morning"


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The Married Bachelor

There comes a time in every man 's life when it is that time to "make that move" you know "pop the question", "turn in your player card", "get hitched", "the old ball & chain." OK, ok...enough with the cliches, I think you get the picture. With that being said, there is an underline question that most people...and when I say "people", I mean "men" forget to answer is...Am I Ready? I swear we think with the wrong head sometimes. Here is a story about a guy and his quest for his cake and ice cream. Please sit back, relax and partake in this journey of "The Married Bachelor" Chapter 4: Shacked Up.
It was the night of our one year anniversary...One. Whole. Year, I'm talking the first of an "Annual"-versary, three hundred and sixty five days, All I'm saying is my mama can't believe I was still with this girl. Crazy right? Nope the crazy part is that you would think those two dated, all buddy buddy and shit. The reason this was such a shocker is because I played the field a little bit...let's just say I fulfilled a lot of fantasies.  Back in my day, my track record proved that making it past six months was an accomplishment. Anyway, that was the old me? This evening I had planned for the celebration, it was going to be great. Hell, I had to do something extravagant to whiteout the eleven month roller coaster we rode (and it wasn't all my fault either). I had it all planned out, my mom picked my son up from school that afternoon (yes, I do have a son from a previous mistake, I mean relationship), reservations were set weeks in advance at one of the most upscale restaurant on this side of Chicago, I can finally afford "upscale" with this healthy advance I just received (I'll tell you about that in a minute). I mean this place was so upscale there was a credit check to reserve a table...I shit you not, these Bitches asked for two forms of ID. I also paid my buddy fifty bucks to act as my chauffeur for the night. This was going to be a night that she will remember....Plus I figured this was a perfect opportunity to tell her the good news on my book deal (SURPRISE). You have to give me credit though, I did decide several weeks prior that I wanted to make this night special, telling her about the advance was just the icing on the cake. My dreams had finally come true, all those hours of me cheating on her with my lap top finally paid off... literally... And no, I wasn't watching porn...all the time. Now her on the other hand worked a crazy schedule and her hours were never steady, even in college we had to sneak time in together. I kinda knew what I was doing I try and call myself being spontaneous at times, but this night deserved to be flawless and this took some serious attention to details. Her boss and I were a part of the same Fraternity, I mean different schools, but same organization. I wasn't smart enough to attend DePaul, but I was definitely creative enough to go to Chicago State. Therefore it was nothing for me to include him in the creation of these plans and for him to go with the flow of the night. We had it planned for her to work in pediatrics that morning. Subliminally, I wanted her to work with children so when we met up that night she would be all mushy from seeing all the babies. See, my girl was four years younger then me, I met her when she was a freshman in college. I was on that five year plan, but that is besides the point. She was the type that you can just look at and tell they would make a great parent. Look at it this way, if I would of graduated when I was suppose to, I probably would of never met her, this was my definition of fate. I knew from the first time I saw her I had to have her, despite the 57", 136 pound frame, high yella complexion and curves like the letter "S" which was was just a bonus that came along with her ambition, and we all know men only care about a woman's intellect. Well, at least that is what I told her to get into her dorm room. Me on the other hand I just landed my first book deal and this advance could not have come at a better time.

Chapter 2...Break up 2 Make up.... 

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Urinal Cake: Trees of the Parish

It’s Friday and I’m still drunk from last year!

*fist pump!!*

My apologies to everyone for not producing a Urinal Cake Entry last week, I will be better. What had happened was i fell into a deep depression over the recent news that my precious bacon consumers would not be able to enjoy the luxuries of the divine pig because of a corn issue. I even sent a letter to the president stating we need to combat this problem by recreating current bacon products such as bacon bits. Instead of regular bits, make some center-cut bacon bits. That’s just one of many ideas, but that’s not why you’re here. You’re here for the Urinal Cake handout. Without further ado…….



A city prosecutor in New Orleans, La., was given a summons this week after a joint allegedly fell out of his pocket in court -- while he was chatting with a police officer.
According to WDSU.com, assistant city attorney Jason Cantrell was in Orleans Parish Magistrate on Monday when a marijuana cigarette fell out of his pocket and onto the floor. A police spokesman says Cantrell had been talking to an NOPD officer at the time.

The Times-Picayune writes:

Sources painted a comical picture of the incident, saying a pair of cops glanced at the joint on the ground, then at each other before making arguably the easiest collar in the annals of policework.

Officers were seen chuckling as their colleagues led Cantrell out of the courtroom about 4:15 p.m. to write him up.

Cantrell, 43, was reportedly "cited and let go under a city policy for low-level marijuana cases." Police say Cantrell was a first-time offender.

But it seems that this case of the butterfingers has had far-reaching consequences for the hapless attorney.

The New York Daily News reports that Cantrell has resigned from his city post and his wife, who is currently running for New Orleans City Council, has been "forced to apologize for him."
Cantrell has reportedly practiced law in New Orleans for 17 years and had been working a case in his capacity as a private defense attorney when the incident occurred.



Ever went to a Burlington and found a wicked piece of fabric. Of course we have. One thing u have to possess is an outstanding level of patience.  Being able to glide through the bullshit and get to that one piece no one has seen yet requires the upmost skill, and a hint of good luck.

You probably see where I'm going with this right? No? Just stay with me.. it will all make sense soon.

I'm talking about functional pot heads. They often get lost in the bundle of the drop outs, the jobless, and the uneducated. That couldn't be more further from the truth. We never hear about the success stories of these cannabis indulging individuals. For instance, Alexander Graham Bell had to be high as sh!t to think he could talk to someone who isn’t physically there... and now he’s a f**king genius!

 (the guy who invented the telephone for you non-functional pot heads).

I don’t know about you, but all I’m saying, if a man has been practicing law for the last 17 years AND smoking the reefas, he’s alright with me. BUT! the reason he’s the recipient of the Piss Pie is not because he smokes. Oh no, not at all. The reason is because the damn dummy brought the trees TO THE COURT AND his wife is running for New Orleans City Council.... Why you didn’t leave it in the car?

So, Mr Cantrell …. This pie is for you.



"But Hey, What do I know?"

*Splits White Owl*



-ZeeDaay

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