Wise Words From HR: Company Holiday Parties

I've been to a lot of company Christmas parties in my life time. I understand the do's and don'ts of this glorious eye opening experience. Company parties are the type of functions that let an employer know if they've made the right hire or not. Most people don't know that they're under a microscope until Monday morning, when everyone is looking at them with either the "shes a heaux face" or the "i didn't know he/she was like that" face. Don't be that person. Ive seen secretaries get fired and cleaning guys almost get trunked because of obscene behavior. If you haven't had your company party yet, have no fear, I'm here to help you. If you've already had one, I'll just pray for you.

1. Limit yourself to 2-3 drinks before the dinner. No shots! Anything after 3 drinks your on the verge of either throwing up 2hrs in, or accidentally touching a booty and not caring. You don't want to be known as the office creep. 

2. Choose the people you want to invite carefully. Remember they are a reflection of you. If your friend is a perverted alcoholic, then guess what? You are too for 365 days. 

3. Leave the drugs in the car. More than likely, someone that you work with is either high or waiting to get high, so use that as a bonding experience. Everyone becomes cooler once you realize they do drugs too. Don't bust out saying you ready to get blowed. Keep it organic.. 

4. If you have a girlfriend or boyfriend, don't bring them. Don't. Unless you guys are married. This is your prime opportunity to get that box or peen you've been waiting all year for. She comes in her best casual party outfit and you come with "her" or vice versa. With co-workers, you only have a few chances. This is one of them, don't ruin it. Or so I've heard.

5. If a plan to go out somewhere else afterwards pops up, go for it. This is especially for people who are on the cusp of being the office weirdo. These conversations are more candid and revealing. You might even catch a office rumor or something. Plus, more than likely everyone who's going out is 93% drunk. Beat them to the 96% mark and you're in for 365 days. 

Just a few ways to keep your job, as well as increase your popularity around the cubicles.

Here's a couple of people who didn't heed to this advice.....

Lisa- Started drinking at 4pm. Party started at 5, she was drunk by 4:49. By 8:30 she was calling all the women b**ches and eating a chicken bone like it was a peen. Not to mention throwing chicken thighs against the wall. No.... I'm not lying. 

Marvin - The cleaning guy. Marvin came in the party drunk..... said the wrong thing to the wrong Italian and consequently got choked up and damn near trunked, while his lady, who by the way looked like an extra off New Jack City left early because she pre-saw it coming. 

I don't have all the answers, but I've heard all the questions... I'm only here to help.

Get drunk, don't lose your job and tackle that co-worker you've been plotting on. 

-HR-

Close the door, unfortunately I've got some pink slips to hand out. 

BTW: 

BLAH, RATED E, NARCOTICS Holiday party Dec 29th @9pm at The Pines 712 w Harrison St, Forrest Park.

$10 cover, $5 drink specials 



LMS


I DON'T
MY STATUS....
(c'mon son)
You're good!!!  

"Where you are in life right now is where you're suppose to be, right now"~Me

First off, I would like to address Facebook's ability to successfully build and/or crush a person's self-esteem by simply a click of a button. That damn "Like" button (when selected) can create a euphoric feeling by making your existence relevant. (Confession: I was once a victim)

OK, Here We Go...

I can bet you any amount of money and I don't even gamble *pulls out scratch off* that your status quo is not where you would like it to be...Unless you are born into that 1%. Speaking of ONE, I know ONE thing, y'all keep digging the BLAH movement like you are, I'm going to be in that 1% real soon. Anyway, apparently society has determined that your "status" is partly defined by your ability to purchase things. *TIME OUT* Notice I said purchase and not buy (read it again, I'll wait).There is a difference between "purchasing" something and "buying" something. See, if you were a part of that 1% you would of known that. Look at the 99 percenter's talking about "Ain't no difference, they mean the same thing." Wrong!!! Wealthy has its own language. You can "buy" a piece of gum, but you have to "purchase" an island (I made that up, but it sounds good...Made you think though, lol). Back to my point...A person's competitive nature can cause them to be harder on themselves then on anyone else. You compare and compete with what others have and create a self conscious doubt followed by contentment (in most). In fact, 98 of the 99 percent all have the thought of becoming a part of that original 1% but do not act on it. What IS acted upon is what is needed in order get by, the cruise control lifestyle. Which is ok!? Your status is determined by your mind set. If you go in believing that there are only three things that are needed in order to survive and if you have these: 1) Food 2) Shelter and 3) Porn...Just kidding 3) Clothes then everything else is a bonus. Unfortunately, just like anything else your bonus is determined on the amount of work you put in. Let your mind control your status and not the other way around. The moral of the story is somebody has to empty the trash, is it you? MY NAME IS PERRY AND I APPROVE THIS MESSAGE. #CommentsWelcomed #ThinkRich  





Wise Words From HR: Office Visits

I consider my entire twitter timeline my office. So, at some point all 268,000 of my followers have stepped into my office discussing things I felt the need to share with the rest of you. Its not my job to explain the meaning of these phrases to you, rather, its your job to correctly apply them to your lives.

Welcome and close the door.

Ok, I don't have 268,000 followers, but its enough to get my point across.



1. Make her father seem like a failure - Uncle Ron

2. Thinking you lost your phone the best way to get rid of a hangover - Nerd

3. Ain't nothing worse than being fat and lonely at the same time - Anastasia

4. Ladies need to be ladies. It has to hurt that no one wants to impregnate you. Stop changing your own brakes. - Jesus
5. Some of y'all single by choice, some of y'all single because you remind ni**as of they uncles. - Aristotle

6. Find your Ex tonight. They'll be out somewhere. Make it awkward. - Uncle Ron

7. Shit better make me bite my finger off - Peejay

8. Girls don't want the truth, they just want an explanation they can believe - FabV

9. Contrary to popular belief , an opinion can be dumb - J_Bachelor

10. Someone else's success has nothing to do with your failure. Keep working - Wayno




Thank you for stopping in, remember to close the door. I got to finish payroll

-HR-

Losing Wait


  "We exercise our rights to be patient expecting instant results."~ Me
 
 
Patience is  the "fat cells" to our emotional structure...Please do not ask me where this stuff comes from, just accept it.
 
WATCH THIS...
 


"Its" main purpose is to function as the primary reserves of energy for the body to draw upon, especially over extended time periods. I swear I didn't make that up....Maybe the comparison, but not the other part. Crazy, right? Don't thank me, thank God for that revelation. *high fives Jesus*
 
 (I'm trying to tell you that there is a purpose for passion, find yours.)
 
Anywho, now that we know that we need SOME fat to survive, how do we acquire it and how does it relate to patience? Some of you "hefty" mofos should "ace" this part of the quiz....You acquire it by over indulging. Indulging in things that seem good, but are not all the time good for you. (i.e candy, chips, your mate, friends, kids, etc.). I swear I'm on to something, I don't know what it is just yet, but somehow it will tie in together (you don't believe me just watch). When your body absorbs these forms of fat, it turns them into Triglycerides or SUGARS and stores them for later use. No this is not a lesson in anatomy PER SE, but on the flip side of that others often think "shit is SWEET" and play on your patience. Therefore making you exhaust more energy then you have patience stored. So what happens is when your energy exceeds your fat...You begin to lose weight. (Damn, that boy good!!!) When things begin to challenge your patience, there is only so much energy that can transpire before you begin to metaphorically "lose wait" or lose the ability to withstand. We as people are only allotted so much patience before we snap. Allow yourself a chance to create a patience's exercise regiment that will allow you to become mentally fit. There is no way to stop things from weighing on your patience, just understand how much FACT you need to store up. The moral of the story is be bulimic to the bullshit and throw that shit up, you will become healthier. MY NAME IS PERRY AND I APPROVE THIS MESSAGE. #CommentsWelcomed


 


Urinal Cake: George Zimmerman

Sorry I’m late, but I work. So… yeah…. I work. Anyway, I know you’re not here to listen to me rant about corporate sabotage, and sh!t that you cant apply while your drinking  that good oil. Well… Drink to this one.

Remember George Zimmerman?

Check this out …..


George Zimmerman
sued NBC on Thursday, claiming he was defamed when the network edited his 911 call to police after the shooting of Trayvon Martin to make it sound like he was racist.
The former neighborhood watch volunteer filed the lawsuit seeking an undisclosed amount of money in Seminole County, outside Orlando. Also named in the complaint were three reporters covering the story for NBC or an NBC-owned television station.

The complaint said the airing of the edited call has inflicted emotional distress on Zimmerman, making him fear for his life and causing him to suffer nausea, insomnia and anxiety.

The lawsuit claims NBC edited his phone call to a dispatcher in February. In the call, Zimmerman describes following Martin in the gated community where he lived, just moments before he fatally shot the 17-year-old teen during a confrontation.

"NBC saw the death of Trayvon Martin not as a tragedy but as an opportunity to increase ratings, and so set about to create a myth that George Zimmerman was a racist and predatory villain," the lawsuit claims.

NBC spokeswoman Kathy Kelly-Brown said the network strongly disagreed with the accusations made in the complaint.

"There was no intent to portray Mr. Zimmerman unfairly," she said. "We intend to vigorously defend our position in court."

Three employees of the network or its Miami affiliate lost their jobs because of the changes.

Zimmerman is charged with second-degree murder but has pleaded not guilty, claiming self-defense under Florida's "stand your ground law."

The call viewers heard was trimmed to suggest that Zimmerman volunteered to police, with no prompting, that Martin was black: "This guy looks like he's up to no good. He looks black."

But the portion of the tape that was deleted had the 911 dispatcher asking Zimmerman if the person who had raised his suspicion was "black, white or Hispanic," to which Zimmerman responded, "He looks black."


I really don’t have too much to say about this guy at this moment. Some loser a$$, no woman having, probable virgin has the audacity to say NBC was, and, is the reason he is suffering from anxiety, insomnia, and nausea. FOH bruh bruh. You killed a kid that had skittles and an Arizona. Nobody liked you before and no one likes you now f**ktard. Had you just STFU, in a year’s time from now, the way society is, you would’ve been forgotten about. NOW, you’ve dug yourself a deeper hole. Go drink bleach. If he wins this thing ….. NBC your next on the piss pie list, beacuse that would show YOU f**ked up.. but as for now…..


EVERYBODY GIVE THIS GUY A HUGE FLUSH!


“But Hey, What do I know?”
*splits white owl*


BTW: keep December 29th open… we’re having a party that you’re invited to.. details soon.

ZeeDaay


Urinal Cake: Lucy You got some esplainin to do!

Welcome back ladies and gents. By now you’ve had a chance to check the new layout, be not worried my friends. We’re still the same, we just got a facelift and a new fitted. So without further a due………




Smh …

Dallas Police Lt. Regina Smith, who produced a video in which she performed under the name "Lucille Baller," has been placed on administrative leave over the song, the Dallas Morning News reported.

"Don't push Ms. Lucy, because you won't like the consequences," Smith raps in the video (below). "Mess with me or I will shoot a [expletive], 'cause Lucille Baller, she been to hell and back."

The song plays over a montage of photos that include Regina dressed in provocative clothing firing a gun. She is wearing a bright red wig reminiscent of 1950s TV comedian Lucille Ball.

In another video, a reality-style film titled "Broken Blues," Smith refers to her gun as "Ms. Lucy." In one scene, she also says, "You know what I would do to somebody who tried to take advantage of me? You see this bullet right here? I'll stick it from the rooter to the tooter and bring it out."

Both videos originally appeared on the website of Smith's independent record label and music production company, Big Rush In Global Media. The site is named after her late husband, Dallas Police Senior Corporal Norman Smith, who went by the nickname "Big Russian." He was fatally shot on the job in 2009.

Regina Smith removed the rap video from her site on Tuesday, after the Dallas Morning News and WFAA asked her for comment. She also told her supervisors about it, and she was placed on administrative leave later that day.

Smith has criticized the police department for its treatment of her following her husband's death, CBS 11 reported.

“I have been alone in my struggle, as far as support from the department,” she told the station.
That department is now trying to find out whether or not Smith has committed any policy violations.
Dallas PD code of conduct prohibits any behavior that would lower the public's respect for the department or an individual officer.


“You see this bullet right here? I'll stick it from the rooter to the tooter and bring it out."

Lmaooooooo! Really?!? Rooter to the tooter??!?

F**k the youth; you see what hip hop has done to the adults? It has them putting on oversized wigs reaching for goals they couldn’t touch with a 10ft pole. She’s trying to fit in with her nieces and nephews, nah Regina. We know you want to be young and we’re not going to let you. You work for the police Re-Re, not Freshwear, DTLR, or Mr Shoes. Get your life together. When did you plan to get on? 59?

If she were white what do you think? Fired?
No, if she was white she would be a celebrity.
Nah, if she was white, she wouldn’t be rapping at all.

S/O to all my milks of magnesia.

Black people rock!

Everybody give this woman a HUGE flush!



But Hey, What Do I Know?
*splits white owl*

@ZeeDaay 

Stupid Love

It has been a minute since you read a post from me, but trust and believe the grind hasn't stop!!! And won't stop!!!Take That, Take That!!! (P.Diddy Voice)

ANYWAY...

Now that the Public Service Announcement is out the way.
 
HERE WE GO...

"The idea of love is worth the chance to take action"~Me.

Wasn't expecting me to go there were you...Me either! The best thing about your brain is that you control it while it controls you. Ok, read that again (without looking at Ri Ri's Tits), some of you might of missed that. I'll wait!!!

(DISCLAIMER: This image has nothing to do with this post...I just like titties)
 
Doing the same thing and expecting a different result is the definition of insanity, So they say, hmph! Sooooo, the fact that you re-read that sentence and expected to get the understanding but failing to do so the second and possibly a third time can qualify you as insane, right? Well, in that case we are all insane. This is why I say that...I know, I "do me" which will never change and expect to see different results of my progression in day to day life. So am I insane? Are we insane for even thinking like this? Maybe we are? Oh well, sue me...Just kidding, don't sue me, I don't have lawyer money just lying around (not yet at least)...Which brings me back my quote, great segway, right? Wrong! Any who, "The idea of love is worth the chance to take action." We Love for the sole purpose to fulfil an emotional void, but what we fail to realize is that the emotions that are being fulfilled are "roommates" with other emotions and pay equal rent, even though "Anger" has the bigger room. So what do we do? We go into relationships concentrating on one objective and that is "to be wanted" forgetting that is a "selfish trait." Think about it, if both people go into the relationship wanting to be wanted, where is the balance of giving the other person their share of the wanting. Wait, that made sense in my head...You guys are smart, figure it out...I believe there is some logic in there somewhere. So, the fact that we continue to look for love with the same intentions of wanting to be wanted categorizes us as insane (by definition). I wonder if that is why "Crazy in Love" is a cliche? The moral of the story is try making a left when you think you're always right. MY NAME IS PERRY AND I APPROVE THIS MESSAGE. #CommentsWelcome. P.S go and listen to "The Weeknd" Trilogy album #FYE

Urinal Cake: Making a Clean getaway

Yo, yo, yo, yo! It’s that time again …..



The Ohio woman who was accused of breaking into a home west of Cleveland, cleaning it and leaving a bill for $75 has pleaded guilty to attempted burglary.


The 53-year-old Susan Warren told authorities that she was driving by the house one day in May and decided she 'wanted something to do.' 

She broke in, washed some coffee cups, took out the trash, vacuumed and dusted inside the house.

Then she left a bill written on a napkin that included her phone number.

When police confronted Warren about the alleged early-morning break in, she told them she 'does it all the time.'

Warren allegedly broke into the home in Westlake, Ohio after picking the house at random while driving down the street, she said.

When the homeowners' 18-year-old daughter woke up to find the house had been cleaned, she assumed her parents had hired a maid, the victim Sherry Bush told

'There were some coffee mugs that my husband had out,' she said. 'She had washed them all.

'She wrote a note [on a napkin] and left it on the table, saying, "$75 I was here to clean", and left her name and number,' Bush said. 


Warren says that she owns a cleaning business and sometimes enters homes, cleans them and leaves a bill.

The 'cleaning fairy' was also caught in another property in February and was found guilty of criminal trespass.

Warren is scheduled to be sentenced next month. Details of the plea bargain and the terms of her expected sentence weren't released.


I think we all have wished at some point in our lives that by time we awake from a glorious nap the house would magically clean, right? Parents, I know this has happened to you. Once again, we’ve been granted another reason not to visit Cleveland.

Real sh!t…How many of y'all would have looked at the napkin like you caught a lick?

“Oh this heffa broke INto my crib… to clean it?!?!... shiiiiiiid, she SOL on that 75”

The crazy part is; she says she does it all the time. Where in the world do they do this type ish?? I'm convinced she’s been covered in the blood of Jesus thus far, because obviously she hasn’t ran into the wrong house or this story would be entirely different.

Another question, how many of y'all would have woken up and said…

“Damn, moms must have hired a maid”?


don’t worry … I’ll wait.    

Everybody give this retard a HUGE flush….



 

"But Hey, What do I know?"
*splits white owl*

Who is Will Thompson?

Will Thompson
Biography

          Born On May 28th, 1983, at age 29 Will Thompson has been  on a steady  pace to realize his goals. Already equipped with an impressive list of accomplishments in his promising acting career, he still has his sights set on capturing the elusive goal of landing a lead role in a major film or theatrical production.
          As a multi-faceted phenomena, Will who learned how to play the piano by ear is also a talented musician. He traveled  to Los Angeles to negotiate a contract with a major record label  just to realize he has an insatiable desire and passion for acting.   He decided to re-direct his talents from music to film and television.  Thompson knew he wanted to be an entertainer since the age of  twelve.  The interest was sparked after viewing and learning from the legendary performances of Jackie Gleason, Redd Fox, Robert Dinero and Al Pacino. Thompson said his ultimate goal is to work with notable superstars such as,  Denzel Washington and Tyler Perry.
          Upon returning to his hometown of Chicago, Thompson’s career began to blossom. His most recent and memorable role was playing an assistant to a mob boss in the action-comedy movie “Shots Fired.” he was hired for a background role in the hit movie “The Dilemma.”
          Thompson was also casted in two TV pilots,  “Matadors,” “Pleading Guilty” and “Connie Banks the Actor” along with a part in the Oprah Winfrey made-for-television, There Are No Children Here.”  He  has also appeared in several commercials. His entertainment history also includes parts in radio skits and various roles in stage plays.
          That path was almost derailed when Thompson learned he had a herniated disc in 2008. The aliment led to three major back surgeries within a 12-month time frame. After the second operation, Thompson suffered a staph infection in his lower spine region which almost proved to be fatal. Thompson said he had to learn how to walk after each procedure. Now in good health, he continues to focus on polishing his skills through acting classes. He’s studied at Act One Conservatory, and attended sessions at The Green Room and Second City Chicago. He continues to practice with other actors and coaches to further perfect his craft.  Determination is the best word to describe the work of Will Thompson.        With his die hard work ethics, he is on his way of  becoming a household name in the industry.
          Besides the indelible mark he has made in film, he also has a passion for the youth. As an active member within his city, Thompson plans to organize a peace summit called “Taking Our City Back.”  His core values are to re-define empowerment with efforts to instill self  love and safe lives.
          Becoming a household name in the industry Will is an all around talent;  he brings a special charisma to the roles he portrays.  It is just a matter of time before Will Thompson's name and face will appear on marquees and movie trailers everywhere.
          Will is an amazing actor of the future and is on his path to an A level success.  A star on the rise.

Wise Words from HR

Good afternoon ladies and gentleman,

I didn't get to read or watch a lot of TV this week so, unfortunately theres not much for me to report this time around. All i can say is the drugs have been wonderful to me and my family. 
This is pretty much going to be me shootin off at the mouth about a couple things. Never mind me if i jump from one subject to the next, just follow along and enjoy the ride. 

Close the door while your at it..


(1)
Sandy..... f**k you. Even though I'm not directly involved, I still hope all is well on the East coast.  



(2)
Young parents: Don't come out on Halloween expecting to get candy. You fake old.... and that's all that counts.


(3) 
I understand you have your preferences when it comes to movies, but ladies, when Avengers, Iron Man, Spiderman, Superman, Expendables, Batman, and or Thundercats hit the theater.... STFU and take that man to be a kid again, or Tonya from work will.


(4)  
Fellas, if you're going to start a flurry of inner office romances, be discrete, trust on one. If you bring her coffee in the morning ask everyone else if they want some also.


(5)  
If you're unaware of how to talk to snow bunnies, remember this....White girls LOVE Panera Bread



(6)  
Sweet Baby Rays was made by a white man....


(7)  
Refrain from using dumbass hash tags on your instagram pictures. You sound retarded saying the same thing over again

"I love when my bae comes over with a movie - #movie #bae #Starbucks #myhouse #20inTV #HeRangMyDoorbell"

....shut up....


(8)   
Stop sucking your belly in when you take side profile pictures. We can tell you finna pass out.. we shouldn't be able to see your entire rib cage.... boo


(9). 
Stop hating on Kim K PLEASE! .... As much d**k as you've probably sucked for free, don't be mad she got paid for her talents. Some of y'all will go off a half pint and free entry to the club.


(10)  
Send your man a nude or ass shot in the morning if you want him to stay on the right path.


(11)  
Sorry, but that loose blouse is full of lies and deception. We see the tummy meat. 


(12)  
Ladies, don't worry about your flaws... if hes with you he's already excepted them. 



"Back to Payroll" 

-HR 

Urinal Cake: Virgins Wanted

Ladies if your box was a food, what would it be? If it was an amusement park, which one would it be? (Be careful with that one. Nobody wants a Six Flags box) If you were to auction off the box, what would be the highest bid? Don’t know? It’s ok, think about it this weekend and get back with HR on Monday.



Apparently, someone’s pure, untouched pleasure section is worth a whopping $780,000.



 By losing something, Catarina Migliorini could gain $780,000.
The 20-year-old Brazilian woman has been auctioning off her virginity online for the past few weeks and a man from Japan known as "Natsu" came out on top with the winning bid.

Natsu beat out five other bidders after a feverish final day where the price of Migliorini's virtue jumped from $190,000 on Oct. 23 to the final $780,000 price tag.

The news wasn't so good for her male counterpart, Alex Stepanov, whose virginity only racked up $3,000 from a woman in Brazil named "Nene B."

Although Migliorini, a physical education student, has claimed to media that she planned to donate as much as 90 percent of the auction price to charities that will build homes in the Brazilian state of Santa Catarina, even auction organizer Justin Sisely, who devised the plan for a proposed documentary, was skeptical.

"I was surprised she said that because in all my dealings with her, she made it clear that it was a business decision for her," Australian filmmaker Justin Sisely told The Huffington Post recently. "Now, given how big this story is in Brazil, she's trapped. If she doesn't give any money to charity, she's going to look bad."



Now, this urinal cake does NOT go to Catarina, I’d be mighty proud if my pleasure pole went for $780,000 just so a woman can put the 1st mile on the odometer. It goes to Natsu. SON, if you have nearly 800k to spend on some virginated box I’m sure there are heauxs out there in Japan that will “GO” for some Saki and a loose square. If women are the same here as they are there, the simple mention of money will get them to buss you down with they momma. You’ve got to be one lonely ass SOB to actually execute idea of spending that much cash on a “shot”. Just me, but, what if the box aint fye? What if she don’t give head? Pay 800k for sex with no head? What IF its worth the money? Would you pay again? Can I take a load off in there? How freaky can we get? What if she likes it? Can I get a partial refund or discount? Like I said before, I DON’T WANT BOX THAT POWERFUL! I’ve seen friends wither away because of perfect shots. Hell, I’ve been subject to great shots that left me leaning like Everclear straight. What if his joint is not to your liking soon as he drops the drawls? Do you proceed or do you have standards?

Soooooooooo many questions I’d like to ask these two future swingers. Until then ……….

Everybody give Natsu a HUGE flush….





I need to get in touch with my dude after he does this. Im really curious to hoe..oops.. How this will turn out.


“But Hey, What Do I Know?”
*Splits White Owl*

-ZeeDaay-

Urinal Cake: Stealing candy from a baby

I don’t know if this is a sign or what, but I've been completely disappointed in the usage of the female boob over the last week or two. Hey, freedom of choice I assume. Ladies, You're entitled to do whatever you want to do with those fun bags. Dress em up, oil em down, make em stick out, cover em up, whatever your heart desires. But wasting a perfectly good boob is not cool at all, matter of fact its asinine. Take a boob out of my mouth to feed a child is… OK, I guess. I’ll have my private time later. But taking a boob away from a child to feed a dog is outright criminal.


Terri Graham, a mother of two, couldn't breastfeed her children. But, she's now fulfilling her maternal desire in an unorthodox way -- by breastfeeding her 9-year-old daughter's dog, a pug named Spider.

In an interview published in the Oct. 20 U.K. edition of Closer magazine, Graham, 44, said that she knows some people might consider her a "freak," but insisted that her breastfeeding nourishes the dog, and makes her feel like a better mom.

"Having Spider suckle on my boob means I finally feel complete and a better mother," Graham told Closer.

Graham, who is from California, claimed that the dog developed a taste for breast milk in 2010 after licking the nipple of a bottle she had pumped for her then-newborn son. She says she has breastfed the dog for about 2 years.


F**k you meeeeeean you couldn’t breast feed your children?? F**k was you dooooooing??

The crazy part of this besides the whole story is that she says she felt more like a complete mother. Really?... no… really?? You a heaux for that. No way around it madam. I wish her kids where like the “look who’s talking” kids. (my 80’s babies remember that movie) I would die to hear Roseanne commenting on the lack of human nipples she’s received because the family dog “Spider”. I bet this chick would juice my granddad if she had the right opportunity. I'm actually worried for her health. I'm sure somehow someway she can get cancer doing sh!t like this. She doesn’t deserve to have those twins of joy.

New rule; Breast feed an animal, instant boob removal.


When I read this I cried a real tear. Denzel “Glory” style.





Everybody give this woman a GIANT HUGE FLUSH!



But hey, what do I know?
*splits white owl*


-ZeeDaay

Human Resource Dept: Orientation

*Sips coffee*
 
Morning all.
Just a couple things on my mind I felt garnished some attention. Might help you, might not. Either way I really dont care.
 
I dont mean that. Im sorry. 
 
 
 
 
"you are no better than the person in front of you, and the person in front of you, is no better than you"

There are people out here in this world who wish nothing more than to blow out your candle just to make theirs shine brighter. Accept it, live with it. For every 1 person that likes you there are 5 who dont. The thing is, realize what makes YOU and the people around you happy. That doesnt mean you need to settle or conform to anything, because once you do that,  youve lost what it means to be YOU. Dont judge people on what they have, judge them on their character. There are plenty of miserable humans that use materilistic means as a way of finding exceptance amongst others. F**k them. They dont know their grandparents.


 
"Be Great"

This is simple. Find what's important to you and dont stop trying to be better at it. Most of us find our niche later in life while the childhood ambition that fueled us before runs low. Reasons being, not only do you have to tackle the outside world but also focus on what your dreams are. Nobody made it anywhere without struggle. Yall tend to pay attention to what people have NOW and COMPLETELY gloss over the fact it took them 8 years to get to that Level 6 "Great".
 
 
 
 
 
"Smoke the whole blunt. Don't put it out till later n***a"

Im sayin, just think about it. Why hold on to things that are easily replaceable? If I saw you put the L out until tomorrow I would automatocally think
 
 "this n***a be bullsh*ttin. Bet he got a cancelation notice on the way to his house"
 
yea, you're a procrastinator trust me, I know, I'm a procrastinator myself. Smoke that shit now! Who knows if tomorrow is even in our future? In fact, if it is, you can pawn that 2k12, find some loose change, borrow a dollar and get another dirty nickel. Problem solved. Don't worry about Tuesday on a Monday. Take care of things that will make u great today!


 

"If, ifs & ands where pots and pans, there'd be no need for skillets"

Now..... this is from my pops again, and to tell the truth, I never completely knew what the f**k he was talmbout. Only thing I knew was Everytime I had an excuse he'd say that sh*t. Now I say it to white folks and walk off like Bernie Mac.


 

"A key that can open any lock is a master key. A lock that opens with any key is useless"

This should settle a couple "why can men do it and we can't?" Questions for a while.
Fellas, thank me later.


That's it.... Close the door behind you. I need to finish payroll.

-HR

Lunch Meat (Explicit)

Psst..Did you bring a lunch today, cause you can get this meat?

"If you have to whisper then its wrong"~me

I could of sworn that there was an unwritten rule about dating Co workers, maybe I'm wrong. Hell, maybe I'm wrong about a lot of shit, but sometimes my Paynus sensors go ham when it comes to certain situations (hahaha, excuse me, I'm sorry but paynus and ham in the same sentence is funny to me). Anyway, for some reason It seems like everything about work place relationships are wrong and not just for the obvious reasons either. You know, the "obvious" reasons. Please do not act "brand new" to the Naughty Office couples; the ones who take those bathroom dip offs breaks, lunch break quickies or partake in the occasional favouritism that everybody notices accept their "Wide Open Nose" ass. Let me be clear, there is nothing wrong when finding romance...rather it is with a person you will see ALL day while working, possibly car pool to and from work with, then go home together (co-habitation only). Now, if you have a tolerance level for your partner that is equivalent to an alcoholic who snorts shots of Bacardi 151 and can still manage to walk a straight line then you might be cool, but If you are a part of that 99 percentile that consider themselves normal alcoholics then you know that this is a formula for a domestic violence case. I'm going to stop here before somebody think I'm talking to them. I guess my concern is...What if "it" doesn't work out, then I have to be the bad guy and get you fired (sorry)....#Awkward....Its either me or you and I like working. The moral of the story is lunch meat is only good when you have your own "bread" MY NAME IS PERRY AND I APPROVE THIS MESSAGE. #CommentsWelcomed

Urinal Cake: Keep Em Warm

Good afternoon ladies and gents.

Welcome back to the latest installment of Urinal Cake Friday.




I'm just going to skip all the introduction sh!t and dive right into it.





Daniel Selmon wanted to protect his plants from a fall frost so he lit a bonfire to keep them warm.
The problem for him is that the plants were allegedly marijuana and the sight of a burning fire at 3 a.m. attracted police in Aurora, Ill.

Once the cops “smoked” out Selmon, they arrested him for possession of three pot plants, Newser.com reported.

The responding cops investigating the marijuana matter learned that Selmon set the bonfires in an attempt to keep the weed warm in the cold weather, the Beacon News reported.

Officers seized the plants, which weighed about 6.5 pounds, or 2,948 grams. The street value of the marijuana was not available, according to the Chicago Sun-Times.

Selmon was charged with felony possession of cannabis and misdemeanor production of cannabis, and is currently in jail in lieu of $30,000 bail.



Between the titty milk from yesterday and this f**ktard today, you n**gas is starting to piss me off. Why would you set a bonfire? Why not stocks pile the breast milk? Why would you do it at 3am anyway? Lol, what was this guy listening to? Meek Mill “Burn” on repeat? (I laughed)  Lemme get this straight…. So, it never occurred to you that you should’ve gotten a heat lamp? Nah, f**k that. That’s too much like right, right?

Timeout (20 sec)


Often when I’m in the clouds or 5 minutes from heaven, I think of … boob meat, battle raps, light skinned women thighs, and that last bottle of water I think I left in the car. Awesome thoughts in my opinion, but yet instill you n**gas STILL manage ruin everything! Well, the titty water struggle was primarily because of a Caucasian’s lack of common sense. I’ll get over that tho, I’m not worried. Matter of fact, I’ll probably get over the f**ktard giving herbal users a bad name as soon as 5pm comes and im looking for my fix.  All I’m saying is 6.5 lbs of divine goodness is gone from this earth, and if my calculations are correct, I say dummy lost close to $60k.

Somewhere in the world a weed man just got fired.

Everybody give this guy a HUGE flush!




But Hey, What do I know?
*splits white owl smh*


          


           "ITS FRIDAY! Lets get drunk and do things we'll regret in the morning"


The Married Bachelor

There comes a time in every man 's life when it is that time to "make that move" you know "pop the question", "turn in your player card", "get hitched", "the old ball & chain." OK, ok...enough with the cliches, I think you get the picture. With that being said, there is an underline question that most people...and when I say "people", I mean "men" forget to answer is...Am I Ready? I swear we think with the wrong head sometimes. Here is a story about a guy and his quest for his cake and ice cream. Please sit back, relax and partake in this journey of "The Married Bachelor" Chapter 4: Shacked Up.
It was the night of our one year anniversary...One. Whole. Year, I'm talking the first of an "Annual"-versary, three hundred and sixty five days, All I'm saying is my mama can't believe I was still with this girl. Crazy right? Nope the crazy part is that you would think those two dated, all buddy buddy and shit. The reason this was such a shocker is because I played the field a little bit...let's just say I fulfilled a lot of fantasies.  Back in my day, my track record proved that making it past six months was an accomplishment. Anyway, that was the old me? This evening I had planned for the celebration, it was going to be great. Hell, I had to do something extravagant to whiteout the eleven month roller coaster we rode (and it wasn't all my fault either). I had it all planned out, my mom picked my son up from school that afternoon (yes, I do have a son from a previous mistake, I mean relationship), reservations were set weeks in advance at one of the most upscale restaurant on this side of Chicago, I can finally afford "upscale" with this healthy advance I just received (I'll tell you about that in a minute). I mean this place was so upscale there was a credit check to reserve a table...I shit you not, these Bitches asked for two forms of ID. I also paid my buddy fifty bucks to act as my chauffeur for the night. This was going to be a night that she will remember....Plus I figured this was a perfect opportunity to tell her the good news on my book deal (SURPRISE). You have to give me credit though, I did decide several weeks prior that I wanted to make this night special, telling her about the advance was just the icing on the cake. My dreams had finally come true, all those hours of me cheating on her with my lap top finally paid off... literally... And no, I wasn't watching porn...all the time. Now her on the other hand worked a crazy schedule and her hours were never steady, even in college we had to sneak time in together. I kinda knew what I was doing I try and call myself being spontaneous at times, but this night deserved to be flawless and this took some serious attention to details. Her boss and I were a part of the same Fraternity, I mean different schools, but same organization. I wasn't smart enough to attend DePaul, but I was definitely creative enough to go to Chicago State. Therefore it was nothing for me to include him in the creation of these plans and for him to go with the flow of the night. We had it planned for her to work in pediatrics that morning. Subliminally, I wanted her to work with children so when we met up that night she would be all mushy from seeing all the babies. See, my girl was four years younger then me, I met her when she was a freshman in college. I was on that five year plan, but that is besides the point. She was the type that you can just look at and tell they would make a great parent. Look at it this way, if I would of graduated when I was suppose to, I probably would of never met her, this was my definition of fate. I knew from the first time I saw her I had to have her, despite the 57", 136 pound frame, high yella complexion and curves like the letter "S" which was was just a bonus that came along with her ambition, and we all know men only care about a woman's intellect. Well, at least that is what I told her to get into her dorm room. Me on the other hand I just landed my first book deal and this advance could not have come at a better time.

Chapter 2...Break up 2 Make up.... 

Urinal Cake: Trees of the Parish

It’s Friday and I’m still drunk from last year!

*fist pump!!*

My apologies to everyone for not producing a Urinal Cake Entry last week, I will be better. What had happened was i fell into a deep depression over the recent news that my precious bacon consumers would not be able to enjoy the luxuries of the divine pig because of a corn issue. I even sent a letter to the president stating we need to combat this problem by recreating current bacon products such as bacon bits. Instead of regular bits, make some center-cut bacon bits. That’s just one of many ideas, but that’s not why you’re here. You’re here for the Urinal Cake handout. Without further ado…….



A city prosecutor in New Orleans, La., was given a summons this week after a joint allegedly fell out of his pocket in court -- while he was chatting with a police officer.
According to WDSU.com, assistant city attorney Jason Cantrell was in Orleans Parish Magistrate on Monday when a marijuana cigarette fell out of his pocket and onto the floor. A police spokesman says Cantrell had been talking to an NOPD officer at the time.

The Times-Picayune writes:

Sources painted a comical picture of the incident, saying a pair of cops glanced at the joint on the ground, then at each other before making arguably the easiest collar in the annals of policework.

Officers were seen chuckling as their colleagues led Cantrell out of the courtroom about 4:15 p.m. to write him up.

Cantrell, 43, was reportedly "cited and let go under a city policy for low-level marijuana cases." Police say Cantrell was a first-time offender.

But it seems that this case of the butterfingers has had far-reaching consequences for the hapless attorney.

The New York Daily News reports that Cantrell has resigned from his city post and his wife, who is currently running for New Orleans City Council, has been "forced to apologize for him."
Cantrell has reportedly practiced law in New Orleans for 17 years and had been working a case in his capacity as a private defense attorney when the incident occurred.



Ever went to a Burlington and found a wicked piece of fabric. Of course we have. One thing u have to possess is an outstanding level of patience.  Being able to glide through the bullshit and get to that one piece no one has seen yet requires the upmost skill, and a hint of good luck.

You probably see where I'm going with this right? No? Just stay with me.. it will all make sense soon.

I'm talking about functional pot heads. They often get lost in the bundle of the drop outs, the jobless, and the uneducated. That couldn't be more further from the truth. We never hear about the success stories of these cannabis indulging individuals. For instance, Alexander Graham Bell had to be high as sh!t to think he could talk to someone who isn’t physically there... and now he’s a f**king genius!

 (the guy who invented the telephone for you non-functional pot heads).

I don’t know about you, but all I’m saying, if a man has been practicing law for the last 17 years AND smoking the reefas, he’s alright with me. BUT! the reason he’s the recipient of the Piss Pie is not because he smokes. Oh no, not at all. The reason is because the damn dummy brought the trees TO THE COURT AND his wife is running for New Orleans City Council.... Why you didn’t leave it in the car?

So, Mr Cantrell …. This pie is for you.



"But Hey, What do I know?"

*Splits White Owl*



-ZeeDaay